Sad

"And I confess I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread."

I suggest you guys don't read this. This is gonna be a sad post. But.. I have to post. I need to type this out, somewhere. Just gonna pour it out and post like no one is gonna read this. ._. Pardon me.

"I count the ways I let you down, all my fingers and toes are running out."

I'm disappointed. I disappointed myself and I disappointed my parents the most. Watching them, hurts. They can't seems to be bothered anymore. I held them so close to me. I know I didn't show it. But they have been my pillar of strength. The one that holds me to me together, catching me when I fall. But right now, not being the best doesn't surprise them, creating trouble doesn't surprise them, disappointing them doesn't hurt them. It all seems so expected already. I feel like I lost the biggest piece in life, my biggest strength. I am so sad. They brought me to the world, thinking I will bring good news. They should have know that I was trouble. Shame on me now. I count the ways I let you down, all my fingers and toes are running out.

"But you never heard the words you needed so bad."

Man, it's been a long day. Kind of tired. ): I really don't want to be so insecure. I don't want to be the one looking down at myself. I don't want to be so scared. This year is, unbearable. I don't wanna appear strong anymore. It's teary as fuck, dramatic as fuck too. You just wish someone will come to you and tell you things  you've always wanted to hear to feel alright. But you never heard the words you needed so bad. 

"I don't want to be picking up all of these tiny little pieces."

I ask myself if I care too much, then when I care so much lesser, I realized I am losing things because I don't care. So do I care or not? It hurts to care, it hurts to not. I don't want to realize how much I am losing, I close my eyes and go to sleep, wake up and forget everything. But it comes back, I shut it out but it comes back. I don't want to be picking up all of these tiny little pieces.

"I'm not fine, I'm in pain. It's harder everyday."

I hate sitting there and watch everything fall. I hate shutting up when I know I don't want to keep quiet. I'm not like this. I always tell myself I am titanium, nothing can hurt me. But what's wrong? Why am I blaming and hating myself. I am scared to death to lose anything now. I do whatever I can to keep a piece in my life. But while finding that one piece, I drop another piece along the way. I can't have everything. But at the same time, I am losing everything. And I watch it fade. I'm not fine, I'm in pain. It's harder everyday.

"It's not right, not okay, to say the things that you say."

It really hurts when people say thing you don't want to hear. You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them. They say it unintentionally sometimes. But it doesn't really matter. Intentionally, unintentionally, still hurts. They thought you wouldn't remember what they said, just a casual remark. But that few seconds, that few moment, when they say those few words, it scarred you forever. But you'll pretend you don't care, pretend that you know it is meant to be a joke, pretend that it doesn't affect you a wee bit. even so, you hope you could tell them "It's not right, not okay, to say the things that you say." It's like those word haunts you like your darkest nightmare, ruining you, constantly reminding you that you'll never be good enough, even they think so.

"The final blow hits you, somebody else gets what you wanted again."

There's always this someone you wanna be. It's like this person gets everything you've been craving for. And you watch her get everything you get in your dreams. Oh how you wish that was you. But, that's not you. The final blow hits you, somebody else gets what you wanted again. & now it's all the same, another time and place, repeating history and you're getting sick of it. Then it strikes you'll never be her.

"Let them go, let them fly. Holding back won't turn back time."

Because at certain part of your life, you'll realize someone/something maybe everything to you. But you are not necessarily your everything. That you grew up. You'll never be your daddy's princess or the girl that win the baby contest. That examination will not be as easy as learning how to spell 0-10 and have a spelling test on it. That friendships won't be as pure as those in kindergarten. That you're never gonna getting a kiss from a prince out of the blue and live happily ever after. That you're not gonna grow up and live in a castle. That happiness is always, so near yet so far. Things will never be that simple. Let them go, let them fly. Holding back won't turn back time.

"I'm not a princess. This ain't a fairy tale."

I am so gay. I am sorry I am the one to blame. Yah, you tried so much yet I still attitude you. I attitude everyone. I got a problem. I am the only one that is not trying to put everything back in place. I give in, because the thought of losing you sucks. I really thought you should go ahead, that I am not worth your time. But I don't know who else to turn to. I look at you wondering if you ever know how much I needed you. You just look back and smile. I know, you think that it's my fault for everything I've done. Even though  that's the fact, I really hope i don't know you think that way. I used to be perfect to you, remember? I am not anymore. I hate the words used to be. Because NOW I'M NOT. Maybe it's just a waste of time. Maybe I should hurt alone. I don't want to be a burden, because I am one now. But I am too tired too walk away sometimes I just wanna fall right smack in your arms and sleep. Everyday feels like a battle, I feel like I can lose you any second. Or did I lost you already? Everything you say makes me feel bad. I know you just wanted to help, but it hurts. You say you would change me, so you hate the me now? You say you tried to help but I rejected, I will have to face the consequences myself. Face the consequences? Myself? I admit defeat man, I'll pull out a white flag. I count the ways I let you down, all my fingers and toes are running out. But I never heard the words I needed so bad. I don't want to be picking up all of these tiny little pieces. I'm not fine, I'm in pain. It's harder everyday. It's not right, not okay, to say the things that you say. Time change, people change. I am not perfect. I'm not a princess. This ain't a fairy tale. I'm trying, but I can't be the one. I really want to be that cheerful and perfect girl. But I am not. Not what you've been wishing for. And after all of this, I still need you. you're right, how selfish. You tried, so did my parents. When I'm not happy I attitude. I give that face, give that voice. Everyone see liao also don't want to care right? You tried, it's my life, you don't wanna care anymore. I'll face my own consequences and do the things I want. Is that it? I'm breaking, I feel helpless. I feel so frustrated by myself. I show the frustration to certain people, thinking they'll understand. But I was wrong, they're not me. They don't deserve the pain I am suffering. I will be happy man, I won't show it to you, won't vent it on you. I am sorry. I expected way too much. Sorry and thank you.  I am so grateful you walked in, and I am just praying you won't walk out. Just hold me. I hope you'll never read this.

it's 1:36 now and there's school tomorrow. Screw. I'll free up this tired soul before the sadness kills me. You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.